“Bernie Sanders has inspired me politically and sexually. I used to be afraid to hit on girls but now I just say: ‘I realize that every metric indicates that I have lost out to the guy you are now dating. That being said, this whole system is rigged against nice guys like me. This isn’t over until your wedding date and I plan to convince all your friends and family to pick me once you get to the altar.’ Then I just wear them down or hope their current boyfriend gets arrested.”

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